When the hottest guy at church is gay-baiting you
How am I supposed to respond?!
Hi Jake,
A few months ago, I started going to a progressive church that’s welcoming to queer people. It’s been nice, because I’ve always enjoyed practicing my faith, and I finally feel free to do so. I go to Mass every Sunday, hand out programs before the service, and volunteer at various church events.
That’s where my problem started.
There’s a married guy who volunteers too. Wife, two kids, the whole deal. He’s completely straight. But the thing is, it seems like he really enjoys gay-baiting me.
Hear me out. He’s constantly making comments that feel just flirty enough to make me wonder if he’s interested, like pointing out how good-looking certain guys are. Then he’ll randomly text me shirtless beach photos. One was even a bathroom selfie where you could clearly see the top of his pubes!
When we’re volunteering, he seems to go out of his way to get close to me. Last week, we had a church car wash, and he literally spent half the time lathering himself up with soap and laughing right next to me while wearing a skimpy bathing suit.
If that’s not gay-baiting, I don’t know what is.
The weird part is, I don’t even think he’s secretly closeted. Another gay guy at church told me he’s acted like this before. Apparently, he likes the attention and gets an ego boost from knowing gay men find him attractive. Maybe he isn’t getting that kind of validation at home.
Regardless, it’s driving me crazy. He’s attractive, he seems to enjoy whatever game he’s playing, and I’m the one left feeling hot and bothered over someone who isn’t available.
So what am I supposed to do here? Gay-baiting feels so subtle that it isn’t exactly something you can file a complaint about. Do I call him out? Keep my distance? Or just accept that I’m being played?
Hook, Line & Sinker
Dear Hook, Line & Sinker,
Traditionally, the term “queer-baiting” (or “gay-baiting”) has been used to describe celebrities, influencers, or companies that hint at queerness to attract LGBTQ+ audiences without actually identifying as queer. You’re describing something similar, but on a personal level: someone who seems to enjoy creating just enough ambiguity about his sexuality to keep you wondering what’s really going on.
Whatever label you put on it, that kind of teasing can be incredibly frustrating. Feeling like someone is dangling the possibility of something that was never really on the table can leave you annoyed, confused, and maybe even a little used.
It’s certainly possible this guy enjoys being desired. Plenty of people do. It feels good to know when someone finds you attractive, and for some, that validation can become addictive. Texting provocative pictures, making suggestive comments, lingering a little too close, and, of course, the soapy car wash performance are all ways he might be trying to draw you in. When you put it all together, it makes sense you’d be questioning his intentions.
But I’d also be careful about assuming you know exactly what’s motivating him.
Maybe he likes the attention. Maybe he’s an oblivious flirt with everyone. Maybe he’s testing boundaries. Maybe he’s wrestling with something internally. Or maybe he’s simply one of those people who enjoys being perceived as desirable without giving much thought to how confusing that can be for the person on the receiving end.
The truth is, you probably won’t know unless he tells you. And frankly, I’m not sure that’s the question worth spending the most energy on.
The more important question is this: What is this dynamic doing to you?
You’ve already answered that. It’s distracting you, frustrating you, and leaving you emotionally invested in someone you’ve already acknowledged is almost certainly unavailable. Fortunately, that’s the part you actually have some control over.
If he really is intentionally dangling the possibility of something that he has no intention of acting on, you don’t have to keep grabbing for the hook. And if he’s completely innocent and you’re misreading the situation, creating a little distance still protects your peace.
That doesn’t mean you need to confront him or make a dramatic announcement. In fact, I’d probably start much smaller. Stop engaging with the flirtation. Respond to the shirtless photos with the same enthusiasm you’d have for a picture of someone’s new lawn mower. Keep your conversations friendly but a little less personal. Give your attention to people who are actually available rather than someone who keeps you guessing.
Your responsibility isn’t to figure him out or set him straight. Your responsibility is to protect your own peace. The rest? He can save for Confession.
If there’s something on your mind, send it to jake@askjaketherapy.com
Your question may be part of a future Ask Jake, answered anonymously.
And if you’re looking for a queer therapist who actually understands what you’re dealing with, you can find one at LGBTQTherapySpace.com.