My roommate's "appliance" is keeping me up
Am I a prude for mentioning it?
Hi Jake,
I moved into a new apartment about a month ago after meeting my roommate online. One of the reasons I chose his place was that we’re both gay, and I thought it’d be nice to be open about that part of our lives.
Turns out, I got a little more openness than I bargained for.
He has a certain habit that comes with a really annoying, honestly unsettling noise. On my second night in the new place, I started hearing a “swish, swish, swish” coming from his room. I figured it was something with the air conditioner or maybe a fan. But I soon realized this was a different kind of appliance, and definitely not one sold at Home Depot.
I’m now 99% sure my roommate is in a serious relationship with his Fleshlight... and the sound it makes carries all the way through our shared wall.
The problem is, I love the new place, and everything else has been great. But this happens almost every night, and it’s driving me crazy. I’ve started dreading bedtime because I know there’s a good chance it’ll wake me up if I manage to drift off.
Now, I don’t know how to bring it up. If I’m honest about what I think the noise is, I’m afraid he’ll think I’m prudish or judgmental and decide he’d rather find another roommate. And if I try to be vague about it, I’m afraid I’ll still embarrass him, which will make our whole living situation uncomfortable.
How can I get him to stop without embarrassing him or making him resent me?
I’m Wide Awake
Dear I’m Wide Awake,
Living with a roommate means learning more about another person’s habits than you ever wanted to know. Usually it’s their questionable taste in music, their shower schedule, or the fact that they apparently own a blender with only one setting. Occasionally, though, it’s something a little more… personal.
Here’s how I see it. I don’t think this is actually a conversation about masturbation. It’s a conversation about boundaries. More specifically, it’s about what happens when someone’s private behavior stops being entirely private because it interferes with someone else’s ability to live comfortably in their own home.
Your roommate isn’t doing anything inherently wrong by watching porn, using a sex toy, or masturbating. Solo sex is healthy, normal, and none of your business.
The noise, however, is.
But here’s what I found most interesting: it seems you’ve spent far more time thinking about how your roommate might react than about simply asking for what you need. Before you’ve said a single word to him, you’ve imagined him deciding you’re prudish or judgmental—or even that he’d rather find a new roommate. That’s a lot of emotional energy spent trying to manage a conversation that hasn’t even happened yet.
One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is accepting that you can’t control how another person interprets them. You can be kind, respectful, and choose your words carefully. But you can’t guarantee someone won’t feel a little embarrassed or defensive.
That’s okay. A little awkwardness is often just part of living with other people.
So don’t make this a conversation about what he’s doing. Make it a conversation about sleep.
I’d say something like: “Hey, can I bring up something a little awkward? I’ve been hearing some noise from your room most nights that’s been waking me up. I honestly don’t care what you’re doing in there, but I was wondering if there’s any way to keep it a little quieter.”
Notice what that does. It doesn’t accuse him, shame him, or even mention the Fleshlight. It simply explains the impact his behavior is having on you.
If he guesses what you mean, that’s okay. You’re roommates. Sometimes sharing a home means having conversations that neither of you would choose to have.
The irony is that you’ve spent weeks trying to protect him from a few minutes of awkwardness while sacrificing your own comfort. That’s a trap many of us fall into, especially if we spend a lot of energy trying to keep everyone else comfortable.
Wanting a good night’s sleep doesn’t make you a prude. It makes you a good roommate who’s asking for a reasonable boundary. Here’s hoping everyone experiences a little less… friction.
If there’s something on your mind, send it to jake@askjaketherapy.com
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And if you’re looking for a queer therapist who actually understands what you’re dealing with, you can find one at LGBTQTherapySpace.com.