He went from gym selfies to full-on explicit—without telling me
How do I tell him to stop?
Hi Jake,
My husband told me a while back that he wanted to post some mild photos of himself on Bluesky—shirtless, a little flirty, nothing too extreme. He’s always had a bit of an exhibitionist streak, and I’m no prude, so I’ve mostly found it endearing. I trust him, so it just felt like a harmless outlet. If anything, I’m kind of proud I have a sexy husband.
That said, the last time I saw his profile, it was just a few suggestive gym progress pics. Now I’ve found out he’s been building a much more explicit presence than I realized, and it’s starting to blow up. He has a big following now, and people we actually know are beginning to recognize him. That’s how I even found out how far it had gone.
So now I’m caught off guard. What I thought I was agreeing to feels very different from where we are now. I mean, it’s not just suggestive anymore… it’s gone full-on sexual.
Part of me thinks I shouldn’t care. We’ve always been open, and I don’t want to come off controlling. But another part of me feels betrayed and hurt that this escalated without really including me.
How do I figure out what my boundaries actually are here, and how do I tell him I might not be okay with this anymore?
Didn’t See It Coming
Dear Didn’t See It Coming,
Posting thirst traps, racy photos, or even more explicit content online isn’t exactly unusual these days (just watch the new season of Euphoria). For a lot of people, it’s a way to express their sexuality, feel seen, and get a little validation along the way. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, as long as someone is comfortable with who might see it and any potential impact down the line. Where it gets more complicated is when you’re in a relationship, because it’s no longer just about personal expression. It affects both of you, which means there has to be some shared understanding of what’s okay and what isn’t.
What stands out to me here isn’t just the content, but the shift. You agreed to one version of this, and it’s now something else. It doesn’t even sound like you care that much about the sexual content—it’s that everything escalated without you being told. In any relationship, open or not, the “rules” only work if you keep checking in as things change. Going from a few flirty gym pics to a much more explicit, widely seen presence is a real change, not something you just roll into without talking about.
But before you figure out what to say to him, you’ll want to get clear with yourself first. What exactly is bothering you? Is it the explicit nature of the content… or the fact that people you know are seeing it? Or maybe it’s the scale of it, or that you weren’t included as it grew. My guess is it’s some combination, but naming it helps you speak from a clear place so you’re not just reacting.
In a lot of gay relationships, there’s more flexibility around sex and flirtiness. That openness can be freeing, but it can also make it harder to tell when something’s actually crossing a line for you. The fact that you’re writing in tells me something already feels off. That’s your signal. Being in a marriage doesn’t mean overriding that feeling to be “cool.” It means being able to say, honestly, “This isn’t sitting right with me,” and trusting that it’s worth bringing into the open.
So when you talk to him, this doesn’t need to come out as “you need to stop.” That’s where things get defensive. It’s more about bringing him into your experience: “Hey, I realized I’m not actually okay with where this has gone. I thought I was agreeing to one thing, and now it feels different. It’s not that I morally disagree, but I do need us to talk about what this looks like going forward.”
This way, you’re not putting judgment on him or shaming him for that part of his sexuality. You’re keeping it about your experience, which allows for real conversation. From there, you can figure out what your boundary actually is—whether that’s dialing things back, being more transparent, or agreeing on what stays private versus public. Heck, maybe you just want to be asked to participate from time to time. :)
The goal isn’t to control him; it’s to get back into alignment with each other.
Because right now, you’re not just reacting to the content. You’re reacting to feeling left out of something that affects both of you. And that’s a very different conversation.
If there’s something on your mind, send it to jake@askjaketherapy.com
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