We built our dream together. Now it's the source of all our stress.
Is it going to ruin our marriage?
Hi Jake,
My husband and I started an online business together a few years ago as a side project. At first, it felt like a dream. He’s my best friend, so it was genuinely fun to work alongside him every day. Plus, neither of us had ever worked remotely before, so it felt surreal to be sitting by a pool in Puerto Vallarta with our laptops and cocktails while somehow still making money.
Over time, we became really proud of what we built. We don’t have kids or pets, so in a weird way, the business almost became our baby. Eventually, it became successful enough for both of us to quit our other jobs and do it full-time.
But somewhere along the way, it stopped being fun.
What used to feel exciting now feels like the source of all our stress. Our income, future, and sense of stability are all tied to it, so it feels like we can never fully stop thinking about work. And because we live together and work together, there’s no real escape from it. If there’s a problem, it follows us into almost every conversation we have, and I’ve even noticed we’re shorter with each other about things that have nothing to do with work.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love my husband and love what we’ve created. I just feel like we’ve lost a sense of romance and playfulness in our relationship because we’re always stressed about work.
Occupational Hazard
Dear Occupational Hazard,
First of all, I don’t think working together was necessarily a mistake. In fact, I think many queer couples secretly want exactly what you created: freedom, flexibility, shared goals, and the feeling of building something meaningful together. And honestly, the fact that you’ve built a successful business together says a lot about your compatibility and ability to function as a team.
What’s most likely happening, however, is that your relationship and your business have become so intertwined that it’s hard to separate one from the other. When work gets stressful, that stress follows you home because home is also work. And after a while, it all starts bleeding together.
So maybe you’re technically arguing about the dishwasher, but it’s not really about the dishwasher. It’s about money, pressure, stability, and whether this whole life you built together is going to be okay. When your relationship and livelihood are tied this closely together, even small disagreements can suddenly feel much bigger than they actually are.
That said, the good news is that I don’t think you need to blow up the business. This is really about creating some separation between work and your relationship.
Healthy couples usually have at least some separateness in their lives: different frustrations, different coworkers, different experiences to bring home to each other. When you work and live together full-time, especially remotely, you can slowly stop having much outside the relationship to bring back into it because you’re living in the exact same world all day long.
If you want this setup to actually work, you’re going to need some boundaries around it. Maybe there are certain hours where work talk is off the table, or maybe you stop working in the same room all the time. You also still need lives outside the company. Friends, hobbies, separate interests, even just time apart once in awhile. Sometimes people actually get along better when they’re not together 24/7.
It might also help to divide things up more clearly. If both of you are weighing in on every tiny decision all day long, eventually it starts to feel less like teamwork and more like constant negotiation. Having your own areas of responsibility can take some pressure off both the business and the relationship.
But first and foremost, you need to treat your marriage as the primary focus, not the business. Businesses are replaceable. Your relationship isn’t. Ask each other how you can reconnect in ways that have nothing to do with work. Maybe it’s time to book a vacation and actually keep the out-of-office message on the whole trip.
Your letter still sounds loving. You’re not writing because you hate your husband or regret the life you built together. You’re writing because you miss feeling connected outside of work. That’s the first step toward finding your way back to each other…before your marriage turns into another full-time job.
If there’s something on your mind, send it to jake@askjaketherapy.com
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