You didn't miss gay puberty. You're just on a different timeline.

A Classic Ask Jake with some new thoughts

Hi Jake,

I’m about to turn 32, and sometimes I look at my romantic history and just… sigh. It’s basically nonexistent. I’ve never been in a relationship, and I’ve only had less than 10 partners in my entire life—and those were mostly friends, not people I met through dating or hookup apps. Most of them are now in relationships, live far away, or are just unavailable. I don’t have a network of gay friends or prospects, and honestly, I wouldn’t even know where to start building one.

It’s not that I haven’t wanted connection—I just feel like I somehow missed a crucial window for developing the skills or confidence to pursue it. And now, at 32, I’m wondering if something’s wrong with me. Have I fallen behind? Do I need to “boost my numbers” just to catch up and feel like a well-rounded, dateable adult?

I can’t help but feel underdeveloped—like I’ve missed the gay version of puberty. Am I just late to the game, or is this something I need to fix?

Notchless in Seattle

Dear Notchless in Seattle,

Notches on the bedpost do not make a gay man. If they did, we’d have a lot of so-called “experienced” men walking around who’ve never developed a real sense of emotional intimacy, communication skills, or the capacity to build a healthy relationship. Romantic prowess is not the same thing as emotional maturity—and racking up partners doesn’t automatically mean someone knows how to be present, vulnerable, or connected with another person.

I’ve known people who’ve had dozens—sometimes hundreds—of partners, but still freak out at the first sign of real intimacy. They can flirt, charm, and hook up with ease, but the moment something feels emotionally vulnerable, they shut down. Others jump from relationship to relationship without ever slowing down to ask what they truly want or need. They’re technically “experienced,” but they keep reliving the same patterns—confused, frustrated, and wondering why nothing sticks.

What you’re describing isn’t a failure—it’s a different timeline. And in our community, where so many of us didn’t get to experiment or date freely as teens or young adults, different timelines are more the norm than the exception. It’s just that no one really talks about them.