I'm an LGBTQ+ ally' — and other things people say before the cringe
An Ask Jake Classic with some new thoughts
Hi Jake,
I’m self-employed and recently took a job as a personal assistant to a woman who works in the entertainment industry. It’s been about four months and she and I have developed a good working relationship, although sometimes she can be a little much.
For the most part, she treats me with respect, and claims to be very liberal/open-minded and an LGBTQ+ ally. I think she believes this, but there have been a few times now where she’s made off-handed comments that I’m not sure how to take.
For instance, she likes to refer to herself as a “f*g hag” and doesn’t seem to know that the phrase went out of fashion a while ago. She’s also said that she “doesn’t get” the whole “they/them” pronouns thing and she’s made passé jokes about bisexuals not being “real.” But what bothers me most is when she calls me “princess”. She literally sometimes introduces me to other people as, “This is my assistant. He’s my little princess.”
I think she thinks it’s a term of endearment, but I don’t think she would refer to me that way if I weren’t gay. I also don’t know how to address it with her since she’s my boss and it’s just me and her. There’s no HR department to go to. I would like to keep this job, but I also don’t want to constantly feel uncomfortable when she tries to be an “ally.”
The Princess Diaries
Dear The Princess Diaries,
Everyone deserves to feel like a princess… unless, of course it’s because you were bestowed an uninvited, patronizing, and homophobic pet name!
Cringe-worthy moments happen in the workplace, but careless insensitivity is another story, especially when coming from a supervisor. It’s never okay for someone to make you feel uncomfortable because of their own biases, whether they are consciously doing it or not.
It happens way too often where someone we know claims to be fully accepting of queer people, but their actions and words say otherwise. Your boss seems to want to perpetuate certain stereotypes about what it means to be gay, and invalidate the identities of the very people she says she’s in support of.
Does she have bad intentions? Probably not. She really may see herself as an ally, and think that by giving voice to stereotypes that she’s somehow bonding with you or being funny. What she doesn’t realize is that these comments may be coming from deeply ingrained homophobic messages that’s she’s absorbed, probably beyond her awareness.
If your boss were truly affirming, she would treat you like a whole person, and get to know you as a fully-formed individual, rather than treating you like her pet. Doing so can trigger old wounds and traumas, when we’ve worked hard to shed those limiting beliefs about ourselves. No wonder you feel uncomfortable!
So, how do you handle this, knowing she cuts the paychecks? It’s all about healthy communication.
Most people like your boss simply don’t know better and they need someone to educate them. If she wants a good working relationship with you, she will ideally be open to hearing how certain things she’s saying are making you feel.
Without being critical, or making it seem like she is in the wrong, you can simply discuss how certain comments feel when they land. You can politely explain how using words and phrases that stem from sexist or homophobic stereotypes can be painful, or don’t align with how you feel about yourself.
Just as she probably wouldn’t have appreciated being called “sweetheart” or “honey” by a male boss as she was rising in the corporate world, it’s not okay for her to do the same thing to you (at least without having a conversation about it first).
You might also want to suggest she keep some of her unpopular opinions about things like pronouns and bisexuality to herself, as they can be invalidating to those living in the experience.
Sure, as gay people we sometimes like to reclaim derogatory or sexist terms that have been bestowed upon us in the past, as a fun way to take back our power. But if we want to go all “guuuuuuurl” or “queen” in our vernacular, we need to be leading that charge ourselves, and dictate what feels right for us.
The workplace should always be a safe and supportive environment. If there’s no HR department to make sure of that, you’ll need to take matters into your own hands. After all, a princess deserves her happy ending.
Jake, Unfiltered:
This post, while it might appear funny or silly at first glance, actually taps into a tension that many gay people know all too well: When do we make waves, and when do we let things slide just to fit in, keep the peace, and maintain stability? At its core, it comes down to safety.
As queer people, many of us learned early on that standing out, disagreeing with someone, or speaking up for ourselves can draw unwanted attention. And when you’re trying to fit in and survive the day, that attention can feel dangerous. Even if you’re fully out and proud now, and no longer trying to stay hidden, there’s often still a deep psychological urge to avoid conflict. Because somewhere along the way, the nervous system learned that “not being liked” can feel synonymous with “not being safe.”
And that doesn’t just mean emotionally safe. It can mean socially safe, financially safe, sometimes even physically safe.
This exists on a very primal level. Being rejected, ostracized, or unsupported for who we are can feel almost annihilating to the nervous system. And when the person making you uncomfortable is also the person signing your paycheck, that fear becomes even more layered and visceral.
But of course, there’s another cost too.
If we ignore things that hurt us in order to preserve our safety, sometimes we slowly chip away at our self-esteem in the process. We start allowing ourselves to be spoken to, or spoken about, in ways that don’t actually feel okay to us. And over time, that creates its own kind of pain.
So the question becomes: When do we prioritize self-worth, and when do we let certain things slide in order to stay safe? A lot of queer people have wrestled with this in different ways for most of their lives. Maybe part of our journey is learning how to honor both.
What struck me in the feedback on this post was how many people responded with, “Just tell her to stop!” as if it were that simple.
What a lot of people failed to recognize (though a few commenters did), is that when your livelihood is tied to the situation, everything becomes more complicated. There’s a real power dynamic at play here. This isn’t just standing up to a friend at brunch. His boss has the power to fire him, demote him, make the environment uncomfortable, or subtly punish him in ways that are difficult to prove but easy to feel.
And honestly, this is where a lot of obvious advice falls apart. It’s much easier to tell someone to “set boundaries” when you’re not the one risking your sense of safety, stability, and security by doing so.
If there’s something on your mind, send it to jake@askjaketherapy.com
Your question may be part of a future Ask Jake, answered anonymously.
And if you’re looking for a queer therapist who actually understands what you’re dealing with, you can find one at LGBTQTherapySpace.com.