He kisses my forehead at crosswalks. I want to disappear
Do I need to get over this?
Hi Jake,
My new boyfriend is amazing. We have great chemistry, he’s so fun to be around, my friends all love him, and he’s super sexy. I feel like I won the lottery! But there’s a catch...
He’s also very affectionate in public. When we’re walking down the street, he’ll reach for my hand, or he’ll put his arm around me while we’re standing in line for coffee. Sometimes he’ll even do little things like kiss me on the forehead while we wait at crosswalks.
Objectively, I know this is sweet. But it also makes me incredibly self-conscious. Sometimes I even feel weirdly repulsed by it.
I grew up in a conservative area where you learned very quickly not to draw attention to yourself if you were gay. Even now, years later and fully out, I still catch myself scanning restaurants to see who’s around us before I relax. Sometimes when he reaches for my hand, I instinctively pull away without even thinking about it, and then I immediately feel guilty afterwards.
The annoying part is that I don’t even fully understand my own reaction. I live in an accepting city now, and things are very different than when I was growing up, so why can’t I seem to let this go? Maybe PDA just feels too intimate to me in general. Or maybe I’m simply not as comfortable being visibly “couple-y” as he is.
Getting Out of Hand
Dear Getting Out of Hand,
First of all, you are far from alone in this. In fact, I recently saw a social media thread where a gay man asked other gay couples whether they hold hands in public, and the responses were all over the place. Some men said they do it without thinking twice. Others admitted they still avoid it entirely outside places like West Hollywood, Chelsea, or Provincetown because of past experiences.
So right away, I want to remove the idea that your reaction automatically means something is wrong with you, your relationship, or your level of “gay acceptance.”
What you’re describing may very well be connected to the environment you grew up in. When you spend years learning that visibility can lead to judgment, humiliation, or exclusion, your brain adapts. It learns to monitor, scan, and stay alert so you don’t draw attention to yourself. Those instincts don’t always disappear just because you move to a more accepting city.
I also wouldn’t panic over your use of the word “repulsed.” Sometimes the brain pushes away what it unconsciously perceives as vulnerable or unsafe. So when you recoil from PDA, that doesn’t automatically mean you’re ashamed of your boyfriend. It may simply mean some old protective wiring is still getting activated.
At the same time, I also think it’s important not to over-pathologize this.
Not everyone enjoys a lot of PDA. Some people are simply more private or less physically demonstrative. That alone does not make you repressed, emotionally unavailable, or secretly full of shame.
The real question is whether your discomfort feels authentic to who you are now, or is driven by fear and old conditioning. And honestly, it may be a little bit of both.
That’s why I don’t think your job is to force yourself to suddenly become someone who loves constant PDA. But I also don’t think the answer is to keep pulling away without talking about it.
I think you should tell him the truth. Not “I’m disgusted by you,” but something more like: “I think some old instincts still get activated around PDA, and I’m trying to understand them.” The fact that you feel guilty afterward already tells me this isn’t coming from a lack of love or attraction.
From there, the two of you can figure out what actually feels authentic and comfortable for both of you. Maybe you discover that you genuinely prefer less PDA, and that’s okay. Or maybe you realize some of this softens over time as your nervous system learns that being visible no longer equals danger.
Either way, this doesn’t need to become a battle between “force yourself to change” and “never challenge yourself at all.” Healthy relationships often involve a little stretching in both directions.
At the end of the day, there’s something kind of beautiful about the fact that your boyfriend reaches for your hand so naturally. Some younger version of you probably would have found that unimaginable. Whether or not you become a full-time hand-holder, there may still be something healing in learning from him that closeness and safety no longer have to cancel each other out.
If there’s something on your mind, send it to jake@askjaketherapy.com
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