Was I wrong to hook up at my ex's funeral?
Is that totally wrong?
Hi Jake,
I think I might be a horrible person.
A few weeks ago, I attended the funeral of an ex-boyfriend. We’d been broken up for years, and he was in a long-term relationship when he passed away. His partner was kind enough to invite me because he wanted everyone important in my ex’s life to have a chance to say goodbye.
The service itself was beautiful and emotional. Afterward, though, there was more of a celebration of his life. There was food, drinks, and stories. My ex was one of those magnetic people who seemed to know everyone, so there were a lot of friends, former coworkers, former dates, and exes there.
As the night went on, I started talking to a guy I’d never met before. He told me he knew my ex through work years ago. We were pretty drunk and ended up going outside, making out, and eventually hooking up in my car.
One of my friends saw what happened, word spread fast, and the next thing I knew, several of them were tearing into me. They said it was a slap in the face to hook up at the gathering for my ex.
The thing is, I really don’t think my ex would have cared at all. If anything, he was the kind of person who loved seeing people he knew connect. He was always introducing friends to one another, and I honestly think he would’ve found the whole thing more amusing than offensive. It’s not like I skipped the service or treated the day like a joke. I genuinely came to honor him.
Still, now I’m wondering if I’m rationalizing my behavior. Was this wildly inappropriate? Do I owe my friends an apology, or are they making this into something bigger than it really was?
Mourning After
Dear Mourning After,
First, I’m truly sorry for your loss. Your ex may not have been part of your daily life, but that doesn’t make losing him any less painful. It sounds like you showed up to honor his memory and the relationship you shared. Whatever happened later that evening, it doesn’t change the fact that you came to mourn someone who clearly meant a great deal to a lot of people.
Your friends, however, came away with a very different understanding of what respect looked like.
From your perspective, the hookup wasn’t mockery or a way of making light of your ex’s death. You attended the service, celebrated his life, then connected with someone afterward. To you, those things weren’t in conflict.
So maybe the more important question isn’t whether your friends approved. It’s whether your actions violated your own values.
Sometimes people speak with such confidence that we start to wonder if we’ve done something wrong. But whether you’ve done something wrong isn’t determined by what most people think. Sure, other people’s reactions are worth considering—especially when people we trust call us out—but they’re not automatically proof that we’ve crossed an ethical line.
If you don’t believe you acted disrespectfully, don’t let someone else’s certainty override your own judgment. Are you a little irreverent? Maybe. But from everything you’ve shared, this doesn’t sound like disrespect. It sounds like you think your ex would’ve gotten a chuckle out of it.
If you aren’t ashamed of what happened, don’t let someone else assign that shame to you. As queer people, we’ve often had to buck society’s norms. Sometimes that means living outside other people’s expectations. But irreverence isn’t the same thing as being a bad person. That’s just old shame talking.
At the same time, your friends are allowed to have their feelings. Emotions can run high at funerals, and they may have felt protective of their friend’s memory, or simply believed it wasn’t the time or place. That’s fair.
So could a conversation with your friend group be worthwhile? Perhaps. You may not owe them an apology, but they still matter to you. It may help to acknowledge that the night landed differently for them and hear them out. But you don’t have to abandon your own judgment in the process.
Everyone handles grief and loss differently. If, after thinking it through, you still believe you acted in line with your own values, then stop worrying about whether you’re a horrible person. You don’t need to bury your convictions alongside your ex.
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