Am I actually hot, or did I just get used to low standards?
Is there a way to find out?
Hi Jake,
This might sound like a weird question, but I honestly don’t know if I’m hot.
I only came out a few years ago. Before that, I was hooking up with guys in secret, so I pretty much went along with whoever showed interest in me.
But now that I’m actually dating openly, I finally get to decide who I’m interested in instead of just taking whoever comes along. The problem is... I have no idea where I fit.
Some days I think I look pretty good. I’m a little husky, but I have a handsome face, and more than one guy has complimented my legs. Other days, all I can see are the things I’d change. My hairline has started receding, I wish I were a couple inches taller, and suddenly I feel average at best.
Then the bars make it even more confusing.
Sometimes a guy I’m not attracted to comes over and starts flirting with me, and I immediately think, “Oh...is this my league?” Other times, I’ll catch a really attractive guy checking me out, and I wonder if I’m selling myself short. Then I’ll see someone gorgeous across the room and spend the next twenty minutes trying to decide whether talking to him would be confident... or completely delusional.
So how are you actually supposed to know where you rank in the gay world? Is there some secret gay hotness scale I’m missing?
Mirror, Mirror
Dear Mirror, Mirror,
Back in the early 2000s, desperate (and maybe just a little masochistic) gays could upload a photo of themselves to a dreadful little website called HotOrNot.com, where complete strangers rated their attractiveness on a scale from one to ten. It was the internet’s version of emotional self-harm, but at least you walked away with an answer.
Thankfully, those days are behind us. We no longer ask random strangers on the internet to assign us a numerical value as a human being. Now we’re left to figure it out ourselves.
That’s exactly what you’re trying to do. You’re looking for a way to calculate your place in the gay ecosystem so you’ll know who to approach, who to swipe on, and who to skip.
But I don’t think you’re actually looking for a number. I think you’re looking for protection.
If you knew exactly where you ranked, you might avoid the sting of flirting with someone who was “out of your league.” At the same time, you’d stop overlooking people who might genuinely be a great match because you assumed they were beneath you. In other words, you’re trying to find the sweet spot between rejection and selling yourself short.
The problem is that attraction doesn’t work like chess ratings or tennis rankings. There isn’t a universal gay draft board where everyone secretly agrees you’re a 7.2. Every guy you meet has his own tastes, turn-ons, and blind spots. The score one guy gives you won’t be the score the next one does.
Now, before I get hammered in the comments by people telling me I’m naive, and that yes, the gay community does reward certain traits like muscles, height, fitness, youth, and, ahem, size, I’ll readily admit there are always ideals and comparisons that influence first impressions. Pretending otherwise isn’t helpful.
But those are only part of the equation. Once you move beyond a split-second glance across the gym floor, things like humor, warmth, confidence, kindness, charisma, and the way someone makes another person feel start carrying a lot more weight than any imaginary number ever could.
So instead of asking, “Who’s in my league?” I’d encourage you to ask a different question: “Who seems interested?”
Chemistry is a two-way street. Rather than trying to calculate whether you’re objectively attractive enough to approach someone, pay attention to what’s actually happening between the two of you. Is he making eye contact? Smiling? Lingering in the conversation? Asking you questions? Flirting back? Those clues will tell you far more than any imaginary ranking ever could.
Ironically, the people who seem the most attractive usually haven’t figured out exactly where they rank. They’ve just stopped obsessing over it. They flirt. They take chances. They get rejected sometimes. Then they move on.
So remember: You don’t need a hotness score. You just need the confidence to go after the people you’re interested in without one.
If there’s something on your mind, send it to jake@askjaketherapy.com
Your question may be part of a future Ask Jake, answered anonymously.
And if you’re looking for a queer therapist who actually understands what you’re dealing with, you can find one at LGBTQTherapySpace.com.