From six-packs to Dad Bods: why my taste changed (and what that actually means)
What changed?
Hi Jake,
Since entering my 40s I’ve noticed something unexpected over the last few years: my type has changed!
I used to be exclusively into smooth, lean, athletic guys. Give me a swimmer’s build, and I was done for. In my younger days, Tom Daley was basically twink perfection. But lately I’ve weirdly found myself attracted to almost the exact opposite: dad bods!
I catch myself checking out guys with a few extra pounds way more than the ripped guys I used to lust after. If a guy has a little bit of a belly and some love handles, I find it very hot.
I’ve noticed something else, too. I’m not as self-conscious around these kind of guys. I don’t have to psych myself up to message them or feel nervous if I want to strike up a conversation.
So, now I’ve actually been wondering... Has my type really changed, or am I just finding it easier to be with guys who might not think I’m out of their league? Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s true attraction and what’s just easier.
From Abs to Flab
Dear From Abs to Flab,
Believe it or not, attraction isn’t always frozen in time. What you liked 20 years ago may not be the same thing that gets you going today. As we age, gain more experience, and reevaluate priorities, preferences do sometimes change. This all might be as simple as that.
Think about it this way. If you suddenly discovered that chocolate ice cream had become your favorite flavor, you probably wouldn’t question whether it was “real.” You’d just eat the ice cream.
So before we turn your attraction to Dad Bods into some grand psychological mystery, let’s acknowledge something: Dad Bods can absolutely be sexy.
There’s something undeniably attractive about a man who’s comfortable in his own skin and isn’t spending every waking hour trying to maintain perfection. There’s something attractive about a guy who’s comfortable being himself. And yes, there can be something comforting about a softer, fuller physique. More to love, as they say.
What turns us on isn’t always about abs and measurements. Sometimes it’s about warmth or relatability, or looking at someone and thinking, “Yeah, I’d happily curl up on the couch with him on a Sunday morning.”
At 25, you may have been looking for excitement, status, or validation. At 45, you may find yourself valuing connection, comfort, and authenticity a little more. Neither version of you is wrong.
So no, I don’t think your newfound appreciation for some extra weight automatically means you’ve lowered your standards or talked yourself into anything.
That said, I understand why you’re asking the question. And honestly, the fact that you’re even asking it tells me you’re trying to be insightful, honest, and curious about yourself.
It is true that, as gay men, many of us have become experts at seeking safety in a world that didn’t always feel safe. Part of that safety involves avoiding rejection. Sometimes it’s easier to go after someone who doesn’t make us feel quite so nervous. That doesn’t mean we’re settling. It just means we’re human.
But that doesn’t mean your attraction isn’t real. I don’t think we should assume that safety and passion are opposites. Sometimes feeling safe is part of what makes someone sexy.
So yes, I think you should embrace your Dad Bod era and stop overthinking your attraction.
If a little belly and some love handles genuinely make your heart race, enjoy them. At the same time, if some ridiculously ripped guy catches your eye, don’t count yourself out with him either.
Dad Bods or not, you don’t need to keep putting your attraction on trial. You just need to make sure fear isn’t the one doing all the swiping.
If there’s something on your mind, send it to jake@askjaketherapy.com
Your question may be part of a future Ask Jake, answered anonymously.
And if you’re looking for a queer therapist who actually understands what you’re dealing with, you can find one at LGBTQTherapySpace.com.